I have a book on pre-order called “What I Couldn’t Tell My Therapist” by Michelle May. I don’t know specifically the content of the book, but it brings to mind a very important topic. What do you feel comfortable telling your therapist and what seems completely off limits? It can be difficult at times to share things openly with anyone about topics that are painful for us. In a psychotherapy session, it is generally taken for granted that this is a safe place, and a therapy client should be able to be open. This is often not how it goes though and there are important reasons for this.
Growing up in our families, we all have to learn to adapt to whatever the emotional environment is.
We automatically try to adapt because it is part of our internal instinct for survival to remain attached to those who will help us survive by providing food, shelter and care. It is not something we actively think about as a small child, but we learn early on what kinds of responses we get from caregivers to different emotions we express and things that we do. We use this knowledge to protect the supply line of survival needs and caring. If we learn that our tears are upsetting to a parent, we may learn to hide our tears. If we learn that asking for help with a problem overwhelms a busy parent, we may learn that we should never ask for help with problems. These two examples are just two of many ways that children learn to adapt that later become a problem for them in adulthood. A person who hides their feelings may have difficulties knowing what they feel or getting close in relationships. A person who learned not to ask for help may have difficulty asking for it even in therapy. The way we learn to adapt early on becomes so automatic, we forget we even adapted that way and the things we learned to do will continue in our relationships in adulthood, usually outside of our awareness.
When a person finds themself unable to tell a therapist exactly how they feel or what they need help with, it can lead to a poor experience in therapy or getting stuck.
If you find yourself having difficulty expressing something in your therapy, be gentle with yourself and know there is always a reason for this. Try sharing with your therapist your dilemma about feelings or asking for help so that you don’t have to be alone with it. Your therapist can then help you be self-compassionate and begin to understand what you learned to hide or how you adapted so that you can be free to be the real you!
There can be many reasons a person feels they cannot tell something to their therapist, including factors about the therapist themselves. Therapist responses can certainly help or hinder a person’s comfort to share. I am looking forward to Michelle’s book to learn more!